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Today I started writing again. I have always loved writing I’ve won contests, got a small scholarship to Montana Univercity (where my favorite English teacher went and desperately wanted me to go and also where I wanted to go but was super duper pricey). Well every sense I was in Florida and things started going down hill I could not write every time I looked at my blank laptop or picked up a pen I saw nothing but bad things. Well today there was a notebook and a pen on the kitchen table picked up the pen and it just started flowing out of me! No I don’t write about me its usually short stories or novels that I forget about and come back to. Right now I feel so free and back to this place I call my world lol. Well that what I have to say if anybody is out there.

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Ok so anybody who knows me knows I believe in equal rights and that a woman can do anything a man can do and that woman should be able to do whatever they want. Don’t get me wrong I still believe in that 100%, and as part of that I think being a homemaker should be part of that. So what does that have to do with my secret you ask? Well I want to be a homemaker, I want to be someone who takes care of my husband and children. I would be the one who cleaned and shopped, and because I love to cook I would be in the kitchen making afternoon snacks for the kids, and full course meals like coco vaun for dinner or lobster tails and pies for dessert. I would love to throw dinner parties. Then on the side I would work on my book I want to write. In the day I would join a kick boxing class and swim laps in the morning and join a book club and schedule play dates for my little ones, then have time to have lunch and do things with my bff Sarah and my other friends and hopefully I would have a husband who would want to do bowling or salsa dance lessons for fun, and travel when and if we had money. I know it sounds silly to most but to me it sounds perfect. And as you can by how descriptive I’m sure you figured out I have day dreamed about it quite a bit.

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So I’ve been pondering whether its ok to be friends with someone you have or had feelings for, when there in a relationship? I’m not in a relationship but he is and now when I talk to him I feel like certain things are off limits to talk about that we used to talk about, or that I should not talk to him as much (even though we were never more than friends before… sort of). See thats the problem?! I don’t even know what we were before and trust me I am completely aware how confusing and stupid this all sounds but if I knew what this whole thing is I would not be ranting about it right now. Truth is I still like him, never met his girlfriend and she seems nice enough but, I feel like I would be better. Wow I can’t believe I actually said that. And cutting of all communication would just be stupid considering how many mutual friends we have considering he lives one town over and we have similiar interests. I’m not really sure anymore, and nobody really helps everyone is just like “follow your heart” “do what you want” fuck that. I seriously need someone to tell me what to do before I end up in a padded room.

On a different note I’m thinking about starting an exercise/diet program to lose some weight and tone up. I have gained 5 pounds sense I’ve came back to Wyoming and feel like if I don’t do something its going to keep adding up. So perhaps if anyone out there wants a friend or someone to encouage you just let me know. If you live close maybe we could work out together if were father apart I’m always around to encourage you over the phone or text (:

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I’ve heard that before in my life, never believed it until this year and now it freaks me out. Before I get started perhaps I should give you the background information. First one happened was in April and our family cat of 10 years passed away, it made me sad because i did not realize how much he was part of my life till he was gone (like how he always slept by my feet except when I was sick he slept by my tummy, or how he would chase the laser light all over are house). Then in Florida while staying with my cousin his friend rom Washington Justin. Well we did not get along he was rather strange. For instance he once tried to tell me I could heal my own diabetes, all diabetics could type 1 or type 2 apparently it did not matter, actually he told me anyone with cancer could “heal” themselves also, he thinks you just have to imagine a life without. One time he made me so mad I cried and I blew this is what I said “Have you ever had cancer or diabetes, apparently not because if you did you would never be saying this because you would know that we wish every time we have to take a shot or meds, or check blood sugar, or go to a doctors appointment that we were free of it asshole. Well later that week I told my mom I wish he would just go home, and I swear that I meant he should go back to Washington. The next day we got the call that he had passed away in a motorcycle accident. I felt horrible and feel horrible guilt about it and can’t help but wonder if I’m being punished for things I’ve done. Then last Friday was when I got back to Douglas I found out my diabetic educator/dietitian/good friend of mine passed away from breast cancer. So theres the three deaths and at first I really did believe the old wives tale deaths come in 3’s, but now I just feel like I’m being punished for something I can’t figure out. I mean the deaths happened then I got screwed over at the college in Florida, then we had to leave Florida later which made me miss camp, then I get here and the weather is shitty, having a hard time finding a job even though I’m filling out applictions left and right si I have some money to move in with Lauren at the end of August in Casper. Sorry I don’t mean to be a complainer but I had to let it out somehow.

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So today no joke I think I had an revelation. So first we went to Hungry Howies (which I totally think they should bring to Wyoming by the way, there cheese butter crust is to die for). So after lunch we decided to go to Wally world, as we were walking closer to the doors there was a little stand which had baked goods, little wooden crosses, rings and bracelets. It was for a church and nothing actually a price it was all donations. Well I did not have any money but my mom put some money in the bucket. So we start talking to the three guys running it and then they asked if we would mind if they prayed for us. It was so sweet they prayed that we had a safe trip home, prosparity, then prayed we stayed healthy. Right then and there tears slid down my face. I realized something right then and there. If three perfect strangers ad praying that I stay safe and healthy just because there nice people, then what the hell was I doing? Everyday I eat most days going without checking my blood sugar then don’t take a shot till bed time. It’s not ok I do that I mean basically its a slow suicide, I don’t want there is so much more than life. I’m basically like an alcoholic or even a drug addict. I mean they can’t quit there addiction and it ruins lifes. Well I can’t seem to get myself to do mine and I’m killing myself and hurting everyone I love by it, its basically saying I not only not care enough about myself to take my meds, I’m saying you don’t mean enough to me to take a shot and keep living. Well not anymore I’m not going to do that to myself my friends or family again. I love you all and I’m sorry.

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Day 4- My views on religion.

Well it’s plain and simple I believe in god not religion. I honestly don’t think you have to go to church or read the bible to be connected to god. I was told when I was a child (by the way I still consider myself a child other people don’t) that everyone has there own relationship with god. For some people it’s going to church for others its praying. For me it’s… well I’m not sure I can explain it sometimes I pray and sometimes I have like a conversation with him in my head. Well he don’t talk back but just tell him my hopes, fears, and whats going on in life.

Day 5- A time I thought about ending my own life.

To be honest the first time I ever thought about ending my own life was when I was in the group home, well actually it was the last day of camp and I came back to the group home, and my grandma called to see how I was doing. I was depressed because camp was over, and I was in this house with a bunch of strangers who really don’t give a crap about you or love you. I was sitting in my bed crying about to take a shower and I really thought about taking my razor and cutting my wrists in the shower and just letting it all go. I was in the shower when all the sudden I asked myself what the fuck I was doing?! My mother was by herself and needed my help with my sister and life itself considering my dad left us. My sister is enough reason right their to keeping breathing. Then I realized alot of people love me and want me to suceed in life. I mean I missed camp so much because there my family and they loved me, and I loved them back. If I didn’t I would not be so sad about being away from them. So you could pretty much say that my friends and family literally saved my life.

Day six- 30 interesting facts about yourself.

1- I love the food network, especially the show Chopped! Never seen it? You should start right away!

2-I can’t sleep with socks on, even if my feet are cold.

3-My mom and I don’t agree on much but I love her to death and I don’t know what I would do without her.

4-The movie My girl and The Green Mile make me cry no matter how many times I watch it.

5-I want to learn glass blowing, I think it’s badass.

6-Water is my element, I love to drink it, swim, shower, or just stand out in the rain.

7- When I see a snake I literally can’t breath and I feel like I’m going to pass out.

8-I love giving presents. Like when I buy a gift for christmas or a birthday people usually give it early because I love seeing people happy.

9-Never seen Star Wars.

10-Right know I’m kind of obessed with Adele’s music it is soooo good.

11-I love Legos I don’t care if I’m 20 years old their awesome.

12-I found out they make a peach sunkist I am in love with it.

13- I love karoke.

14- I’m a diabeitc

15- The human society commericials make me cry.

16- I run into something or trip at least once a day.

17- Reeses is my addiction.

18- I will never sleep without a body pillow again, they are awesome.

19-My secret addiction is Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

20- I’m not a fan of Sugarland, it’s Jennifer Nettles voice if someone else sang there songs I would be very happy.

21- I think really I have only like four friends I could actually live with, because the resst of them get on my nerves way to often.

22-Breakfast is my favorite meal of the day.

23- I think smelling bad is worse than looking bad, perhaps that is way I have like 20 different bottles of perfume and body spray.

24- I dislike pea’s and tomatoes.

25- I like cooking for people.

26- I’m not sure I want to have children.

27-People tell me I’m naturally beautiful, I don’t see it and it makes me rather uncomfertable when people tell me that.

28- Sometimes I forget I have a tatoo.

29- I think I’m becoming lactose intolerant.

30-I’m a generally relaxed person and it’s not hard to make me laugh.

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When it come to drikning I happen to have a few things to say about it. First off I think people use it way to much, everyday you hear someone going to the bar because they had a bad day, or there going out to celebrate. Its rather annoying especially when the people you live around are like that. Now I’m not going to get on my high horse about obviously I have drank before. Where I grew up all there is to do is party. However I have seen acohol do some life changing things to people, destroyed families, started some, car wrecks, fighting, and gets cops involved. I’m not against acohol I just happen to think people use as a crutch instead of a privilage. As far as drugs go well ill be honest I’ve smoked pot before, and I’m willing to bet about 80% of the people in my life do it. I don’t do it anymore (honestly I think it smells horrible and makes my blood sugar feel its low which freaks me out) but I don’t care if other people do it, it grows from the ground and there are far worse things we should be worrying about. As far as other drugs never done them. I know people who have and I usually just seperate myself from them. THe only other thing I want to try is shrooms which also come from the ground. Plus those billboards for what meth can do to you freak the hell out of me.

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Day 2: Where I want to be in 10 years.

Well when I think about where I want to be in ten years I simply want four things.

1. Security, I don’t need a ton of money but I want to be able to pay my bills, have my own place, and have some money in the back for emergencies. I think this comes from lack of money that my family always had when I was little (I don’t blame anyone for it, thats just simply the way life was).

2. I want a big yard so I can have a garden. I want to grow veggies and herbs. I mean the best I have had has always been organtic, and I love adding herbs and spices to everything I cook. Plus gardening is so peaceful. Plus I would plant flowers because they smell and make a house look much more colorful.

3. I want two pugs, I just think they are adorable.

4. Be healthy, some people take it for granted, me having diabeties and thyroid problems (plus my family has a complicated medical history) I don’t take it for granted.

Chasing that Neon Rainbow- Alan Jackson. Just saying.

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So when it comes to my love life there is one thing to say about it, I don’t have one. I mean I don’t have a boyfriend no husband its just me. I wish I had somebody to be there, but I also know that if I did have that somebody I would wish I was single. I’m bi-polar like that, which I think is the biggist problem. My mom says that why I should causually date, not get into a relationship. As great as that advice is it kind of contradicts everything about love, finding that one person your supposed to spend your whole life with. Yet just go out on dates with different guys and hang out. Well supposedly when you meet someone special you will know, but i’m not so sure because me being as stubborn and blind as I am not sure thats going to happen for me. In some ways I think my brain is wired like a boys because I think I like the chase better than the actual prize. Well thats what my thoughts are about me and love, I wish it was different but it’s not. By the way Heard it in a love song is sung by Marshall Tucker Band, just saying.